You're on the last leg of your journey to the city. Dusk approaches swiftly; the sun has dipped below the treetops, cloaking the road in shadow.
You've got three things to trade in town: a fox, a goose, and a sack of beans. With the fox and goose on two leashes and the sack of beans over your shoulder, the going's been rough. You're ready to call it a day.
The goose honks.
"Shut up," you say.
Fucking goose.
[[Continue->Arrival at the Ferry]]
(set: $bank1 to (a: "fox", "goose", "beans"))
(set: $bank2 to (a:))You round the bend and find yourself at a riverbank. The river is maybe 50 yards across; floating bits of twig pass swiftly, indicating a strong current.
No bridge is in sight, but there is a smug-looking ferryman leaning on a post, to which a boat is tied. He's chewing something. He makes no sign as you approach, but a grin slowly spreads across his face.
//Great,// you think, //what kind of bullshit does this guy have in store for me?//
You smile back politely, yanking the goose and fox to a halt by the boat.
[[Ask how much to cross.->Greet the Ferryman]]
[[Don't say anything; just start loading the boat.->Ignore the Ferryman]]"How much to cross with these?" You ask.
The ferryman inspects the fox, goose, and sack of beans with an unhurried air. He ruminates for a few moments, then says, "Sorry, friend, I'm afraid that's impossible."
"What?" You ask. "Why?"
"It's a simple matter of carrying capacity," he says. "The boat can only take you, me, and a single good at one time."
"A single 'good'?"
You glance at the boat, which looks to be quite robust and roomy.
"That's right. Which means you'd have to leave two of your goods unattended on one bank or the other as you ferry your third across. And that leaves you with quite a dilemma because, well." He shrugged.
"Well what?" You ask, visibly annoyed.
"Well, //obviously,// your fox would eat your goose, or your goose would eat your beans. That would be quite an inconvenience, no?"
The ferryman chortled.
[[Openly express skepticism about the boat's carrying capacity.->Argue About Capacity]]
[[Suggest that you could tie your fox to one tree and your goose to another tree out of reach.->Suggest Tying Animals]]You sling the bag of beans into the bow of the rowboat.
"Hey!" cries the ferryman. "That's //my// boat!"
He steps toward you and, with an amount of force just borderding on impropriety, pushes you away from the boat with his hand.
The fox growls.
[[Ask how much to cross.->Greet the Ferryman]]
[[Attack the ferryman using your fox as a kind of improvised weapon.->Attack with Fox]]"I really think your boat can handle the fox, goose, and beans."
"Have you used the boat before?" The ferryman asked.
"I've seen similar—"
"I asked if you've used the boat, //my boat//, before."
"No," you say through gritted teeth.
"Well, I've been using it for years. Do you presume to know more about it than I?"
[[Accept the bullshit terms. Decide on what to bring over first.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]
[[Suggest that you could tie the fox and goose to separate trees while you're taking the beans across.->Suggest Tying Animals]]
[[Attack the ferryman using the fox as an improvised weapon.->Attack with Fox]]
[[Throw the fox into the water in the hope that it will swim to the other side.->Fox in Water]]
[[Throw the goose into the water in the hope that it will swim to the other side.->Goose in Water]]
[[Throw the bean bag into the water in the hope that it will float to the other side.->Beans in Water]]"I could tie my fox to that tree," you point, "and my goose to //that// tree over there," you point again, "and they won't be able to get at each other. There, problem solved."
"Clever idea," says the ferryman. "However, I won't allow it."
"You... won't... allow it?"
"Right. It circumvents the logical quandry upon which my enterprise hinges. One good at a time; the others stay behind, unrestrained."
"So it's not about your boat's carrying capacity at all," you say, bitter to the point of spitting. "It's about some game."
"Glad you understand!" The ferryman beams.
"Ok," you say, "let's consider the fox, goose, and beans all one good. They're all 'my wares'. Can we take 'my wares' across in one go, please?"
"Absurd," said the ferryman. "A good, as you well know, is an organic or mechanical unit with intrinsic value at the level of its whole, not its parts. Your 'wares' are multiple goods, not one good."
"Then each bean is a good? Each bean is an organic unit with intrinsic value. Do I have hundreds of goods, then?"
"Hmm," he muses. "Generally speaking, beans are sold in groups of several or more, so I'd consider 'beans' to be the good, not each bean. Luckily for you."
"So," you say, "if I had a billion beans in a gigantic sack that weighed a million pounds, you'd take it across in your boat as //one good//?"
The ferryman shrugs.
"Do you have such a sack?" he asks.
"You know I don't, asshole."
The ferryman grins.
"Then the question is moot," he says.
[[Give up and just decide which good to bring across.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]
[[Ignore the ferryman's stupid demands and start loading the boat with your goods. All of them.->Ignore the Ferryman]]You smack the fox across the face to get it all riled up, then you use the leash to start swinging it in circles. There is now frothing and growling in stereo; claws rake the air in every direction.
The goose screams and breaks its leash.
The ferryman backs away, trips over a rock, and lands backward in the water.
"Help!" he splutters, "I can't swim!"
[[Giveth not a shit.->Do Nothing]]
[[Attempt to rescue the ferryman.->Rescue the Ferryman]]
[[Toss the fox after him to finish the job.->Fox in Water]]What will you bring with you to the far bank?
(if: $bank1's length is 1)[You have just the (print: $bank1's 1st) on this bank.]
(else-if: $bank1's length is 2)[The (print: $bank1's 1st) and (print: $bank1's 2nd) are on this side.]
(else-if: $bank1's length is 3)[The fox, goose, and beans are all on this side.]
(if: $bank2's length is 0)[You have nothing on the far bank.]
(else-if: $bank2's length is 1)[The (print: $bank2's 1st) is on the other side.]
(else-if: $bank2's length is 2)[The (print: $bank2's 1st) and (print: $bank2's 2nd) are on the far side.]
(if: $bank1 contains "fox")[[[Bring the fox.->Fox to Bank 2]]]
(if: $bank1 contains "goose")[[[Bring the goose.->Goose to Bank 2]]]
(if: $bank1 contains "beans")[[[Bring the beans.->Beans to Bank 2]]]
(if: $bank1 contains "fox" and $bank1's length > 1)[[[Throw the fox into the water in the hope that it will swim to the other side.->Fox in Water]]]
(if: $bank1 contains "goose" and $bank1's length > 1)[[[Throw the goose into the water in the hope that it will swim to the other side.->Goose in Water]]]
(if: $bank1 contains "beans" and $bank1's length > 1)[[[Throw the bean bag into the water in the hope that it will float to the other side.->Beans in Water]]]You leave your fox and jump in the water to save the ferryman. //Don't know why,// you think.
The ferryman screams and coughs up water, flailing his limbs, and it's only when you get to him that you realize he's only knee-deep in the water.
"Stand up, idiot," you say.
He does stand up. To your surprise, he's laughing.
"Now your fox is after your goose!" he says, pointing.
You turn.
You see your goose, pursued by your fox, disappearing behind a copse of trees. Frenzied honking ensues, followed by silence.
(set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "goose"))
Your fucking goose is dead.
Swearing, you go into the woods, find the bloodied fox feasing on what had been a pretty sound investment on your part, and drag it back to the boat.
[[Pick what you're going to bring across.->Decide Bank 1 Load]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "fox"))
You think you remember that foxes can swim pretty good. Why not give it a shot? You remove its leash and place the animal tentatively in the water.
(if: (random: 1, 2) > 1)[Against all odds, it works. The fox, panting, crawls out of the water on the other side and shakes itself off. (set: $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "fox"))]
(else:)[The current immediately sweeps it away. It happens so quickly you aren't entirely sure there ever //was// a fox. No, but there was. It's just dead now.]
[[Continue->Decide Bank 1 Load]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "goose"))
You decide to try your luck letting the goose just swim across. You remove its leash and place the animal tentatively in the water.
(if: (random: 1, 4) > 1)[Surprisingly, this works out just fine. The goose swims across! (set: $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "goose"))]
(else:)[The goose (unsurprisingly, you realize, as you watch it go) paddles away down the river, never to be seen by you again.]
[[Continue->Decide Bank 1 Load]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "beans"))
So that's what it's come to today: you're tired and desperate enough to try placing a sack full of beans in a river in the hopes that it will float magically to the other side. Even though that's physically impossible.
Whatever. You grab the sack by its end, spin around in circles, and release it.
(if: (random: 1, 5) is 1)[God's hand reaches down from the heavens (or so you think it must!) and guides your sack to the far side, where it lands neatly on the bank. You've witnessed a miracle here today. (set: $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "beans"))]
(else:)[The sack sails through the air, lands in the water with a satisfying splash, and disappears forever.]
[[Continue->Decide Bank 1 Load]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "fox"), $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "fox"))
You load the fox into the boat, petting it to soothe its nerves. The ferryman pushes off.
(if: $bank1 contains "goose" and $bank1 contains "beans")[Half-way across you realize the goose is going to eat your goddamn bag of beans. Goddamn it. Goddamn //everything//. (set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "beans"))]
At last, you reach the far side.
(if: $bank1's length is 0)[[[Continue->End]]]
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 2 Load]]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "goose"), $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "goose"))
You load the goose into the boat and wait while the ferryman rows you across.
(if: $bank1 contains "fox" and $bank1 contains "beans")[You're pretty sure the fox won't eat the beans, but the way this goddamn day is going, you wouldn't be surprised.]
After a very annoying ride, you reach the far bank.
(if: $bank1's length is 0)[[[Continue->End]]]
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 2 Load]]](set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "beans"), $bank2 to $bank2 + (a: "beans"))
You make sure the beans are secure inside the rowboat. The ferryman takes up his paddles and starts to row you across the river.
(if: $bank1 contains "fox" and $bank1 contains "goose")[As you sit there on the departing craft, stewing about how shitty your day has been, you stoically watch the fox turn to the goose, snarl, and chase it into the woods. Frenzied honking can be heard, followed by silence. Right. Of course. Of course that just happened. Fuck everything. Fuck the //world//. (set: $bank1 to $bank1 - (a: "goose"))]
You reach the other side in silence.
(if: $bank1's length is 0)[[[Continue->End]]]
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 2 Load]]]What will you bring with you to the far bank?
(if: $bank2's length is 1)[You have just the (print: $bank2's 1st) on this bank.]
(else-if: $bank2's length is 2)[The (print: $bank2's 1st) and (print: $bank2's 2nd) are on this side.]
(else-if: $bank2's length is 3)[The fox, goose, and beans are all on this side.]
(if: $bank1's length is 0)[You have nothing on the far bank.]
(else-if: $bank1's length is 1)[The (print: $bank1's 1st) is on the other side.]
(else-if: $bank1's length is 2)[The (print: $bank1's 1st) and (print: $bank1's 2nd) are on the far side.]
(if: $bank2 contains "fox")[[[Bring back the fox.->Fox to Bank 1]]]
(if: $bank2 contains "goose")[[[Bring back the goose.->Goose to Bank 1]]]
(if: $bank2 contains "beans")[[[Bring back the beans.->Beans to Bank 1]]]
[[Don't bring anything with you to the other side.->To Bank 1]]You stare incredulously at the ferryman until he stops flailing, sighs, and stands up. He wrings out his shirt while smirking at you sardonically.
"I was just faking," he says. "Luckily for you! Otherwise I might have drowned!"
"What a shame that would have been," you say.
"Anyway," says the ferryman, "you're not going anywhere without me, or with more than one good. So make the best of it."
[[Whatever, it's getting dark. Just decide what to bring across.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]That's it! You're done. No more of this bullshit.
"Can I help you with anything else to—" the ferryman starts, but you cut him short by flipping him the bird.
You do not look back.
In town, you find the door to the indoor market locked. With a sinking stomach you realize it's Sunday and the market is closed.(set: $bank2 to $bank2 - (a: "fox"), $bank1 to $bank1 + (a: "fox"))
You can't believe you have to do another fucking trip back with the fucking fox. This fucking day. The ferryman pushes off.
(if: $bank2 contains "goose" and $bank2 contains "beans")[Half-way across you realize the goose is going to eat your goddamn bag of beans. Goddamn it. Goddamn //everything//. (set: $bank2 to $bank2 - (a: "beans"))]
At last, you reach the far side.
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]](set: $bank2 to $bank2 - (a: "goose"), $bank1 to $bank1 + (a: "goose"))
You load the goose into the boat and wait while the ferryman rows you across. The ride is just as annoying as it was the first time.
(if: $bank2 contains "fox" and $bank2 contains "beans")[You're pretty sure the fox won't eat the beans, but the way this goddamn day is going, you wouldn't be surprised.]
You reach the far bank.
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]](set: $bank2 to $bank2 - (a: "beans"), $bank1 to $bank1 + (a: "beans"))
You make sure the beans are secure inside the rowboat. Again. The ferryman takes up his paddles and starts to row you across the river.
(if: $bank2 contains "fox" and $bank2 contains "goose")[As you sit there on the departing craft, stewing about how shitty your day has been, you stoically watch the fox turn to the goose, snarl, and chase it into the woods. Frenzied honking can be heard, followed by silence. Right. Of course. Of course that just happened. Fuck everything. Fuck the //world//. (set: $bank2 to $bank2 - (a: "goose"))]
You reach the other side in silence.
(else:)[[[Decide what to bring back.->Decide Bank 1 Load]]]In silence, you row back to the bank where you started this fiasco.
[[Continue->Decide Bank 1 Load]]